Forrest Robert Day, 6 lbs 10 oz, 18.5 inches long, was born
on the 10th of May, 2013 at 5:15 pm. In order for you to fully
understand how much this birth meant to me as a person, a mother, and a woman, I
first need to explain the circumstances of this pregnancy and also why I fought
so hard for my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).
As many of you know, Cash was born 6 weeks early on
Christmas Day 2011. The birth was beautiful, but didn’t necessarily pan out the
way I had envisioned. When I realized I was in labor, I was terrified. I felt
unprepared and scared. I had no idea what to expect and was worried that he was
so early. To make a long story short, I had a long and painful labor that ended
in a c-section and my baby being taken to the NICU immediately. I didn’t get to
hold my own baby for two days. He
stayed in the NICU for three weeks to the day. This was definitely one of the
most trying times of my life.
Looking back on this now, I don’t necessarily have negative feelings
about the experience; after all I have my beautiful baby boy who lights up my
entire life. However, I knew that this was far from the experience I wanted
with my future births. Instead of
feeling helpless, unprepared, and uniformed, I was determined to do things differently
the next time.
Fast-forward seven months. It was a few weeks into the month
of August, and only three weeks after the very unexpected and sudden death of
my wonderful father, when I took a pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe it when
two lines showed up on the test confirming to me that I was in fact expecting
again. Usually this would be a joyful time for any couple, but I will admit
that I had a difficult time accepting this pregnancy for several weeks. There
were a lot of tears shed, not because I didn’t want another child, but because
it wasn’t “in the plan” yet, and I was also still doing some serious grieving
over the loss of my dad. I also felt a lot of remorse and guilt about
“cheating” my Cash. I felt like he would be robbed of special time with me once
the baby came and felt so awful as a mother. It was a very emotional time for us. Over the coming months
these feelings gradually started to subside and I was able to get excited about
this new chapter in my life.
As I prepared for this birth, I knew I wanted to try something
different. I took better care of myself, I ate like a goddess, I taught and
practiced prenatal yoga for nearly the entire pregnancy, and I took extra
efforts to stay hydrated. I
embraced the pregnancy and the changes that were happening with my body. I
learned to love my pregnant self, taking pride in my body and what it was
capable of. I also took a different approach with how I was going to prepare
for the labor. I had friends who had done hypnobirthing in the past and loved
it. I decided to sign up for the classes and before I knew it I was completely
immersed in everything birth related.
These classes taught me to birth without fear, how to take back control,
how to be confident and knowledgeable about my body and my options at birth. It
reinforced the notion that our bodies are made for birthing, and that we need
to trust in them and the birthing process. It helped me turn fear into
excitement and anticipation. Through exploring many options, I decided that I
was going to do an unmedicated VBAC. I prepared diligently, listening to my
relaxation tracks several times daily, doing fear releases and guided imagery daily, practicing
relaxation techniques with Brody, and reading as much birth material as I could
get my hands on. I hired a doula, I bought my own birthing gown to bring to the
hospital, and I even created a book full of positive and empowering quotes
about birth that I read each day. I was determined to be ready this time.
Throughout all of this, I still had a lot of fear and
anxiety to work through. Since Cash was born six weeks early, I had a very real
fear that this would happen again, and that my baby would be taken from me and
rushed to the NICU. I also had experienced contractions very early on in this
pregnancy, which resulted in me having to quit work and take other precautions.
I agreed to take progesterone shots weekly throughout the pregnancy hoping that
this would help me go full term. I also worked so hard emotionally and mentally
by doing fear release hypnosis daily, if not several times a day as I
approached that 34 week mark. Once
34 weeks came, I knew that each day that my baby was still inside me was a
blessing. Then came 35 weeks, then 36, then 37! I was full term! Words could not
explain how ecstatic I was about this. Then the days kept passing and before I
knew it (and with my doctors amazement) I made it to my 39 week appointment.
Without the stress of having a preemie baby, I knew nothing would stop me from
accomplishing the birth I envisioned. I went into labor the very next day.
The Birth:
(disclaimer: since this was a hypnobithing birth, I will use
hypnobirthing language. To avoid confusion, the word “surge” will be used
instead of “contraction.”
As the day went on the surges slowly progressed but I was
able to walk and talk through them. Later that afternoon my mom came over to
pick up Cash. Reality hit me as I was packing him up to go, that he would no
longer be my only baby. A wave of emotion came over me as I tried to give him a
few extra hugs and kisses before he left. His whole life was about to change,
but I knew deep down that it would be changing for the better.
Brody and I spent the afternoon watching movies and
relaxing. I was laying comfortably on my birth ball breathing easily through
each surge. Later on in the afternoon my Doula came over to check in on
me. As soon as she arrived I felt
the surges slow down and nearly come to a stop. I think it was because I
subconsciously was worried about putting her out since I knew I was still in
early labor. She was sweet though and encouraged me to not worry about that. We
watched another movie and afterwards went on another walk to encourage labor to
speed up. The surges were about 5
minutes apart but were very manageable so Laurel decided she would go home
while I napped and ate dinner. After only a few hours I called her back because things had
sped up significantly. She arrived at about 9 pm and we continued to labor at
home for several hours. As each surge came, she and Brody would help me to my
hands and knees and apply pressure to my hips and back. She would whisper to me
to relax and to go deeper into my meditation while Brody practiced light touch
massage. At one point Laurel sat by my bedside and read me a fear release
script as I tried to relax through surges. It was getting more noticeably intense and I started to feel
that it was time to go to the hospital. I knew I wanted to do a lot of my
laboring at home, but also wanted to get to the hospital in time to get
comfortable and situated before the birth. I also knew that since my water had
broke that going into the hospital would put me “on the clock” and could
possibly start to pressure me to interventions that I did not want. Laurel, who is trained to do cervical
checks, told me that she didn’t want to check since she didn’t want to introduce
any bacteria that might cause any type of infection or complications, but
encouraged me to try to check myself (since you are immune to your own germs).
I went in the bathroom and did my best but wasn’t very confident in what I was
doing. As I was checking a huge gush of fluid came out all over the bathroom
floor. When I came out of the bathroom Laurel tried to explain to me how to
tell how open (dilated) I was and we came to a guess that I was a 5 or 6. That was enough for me to feel ready to
go to the hospital even though I knew they would hook me up to an IV and
administer antibiotics.
At about 1:30 am we packed
up the car and were off. After a short car ride, and several intense surges in
the parking lot, elevator, and hospital hallway, I was finally set up in the
triage room and the nurse was checking my cervix. My heart absolutely sank when
she told me that I was not even a 2. I started to have flashbacks of my first
birth and felt very, very discouraged. Laurel explained to me that because my water broke, there was a possibility that my surges would be
much more intense than they would have been without the water being broken. I threw
a small pity party for myself as I thought about how much longer I had to go
and how intense my surges already were.
I put on my hypnosis tracks and tried to get my courage back. They emitted
me to the hospital and took us to my room.
After we got settled in, the doctor came in and informed me
that they were starting the antibiotics and that I had a few options. They were
willing to let me go a couple of hours to progress on my own, but warned me
that if I hadn’t shown much progression at the 24 hour mark of my water
breaking they would need to talk seriously about a c-section. I had only a few hours to prove that my
body could do this on its own. I broke down, crying to the nurses that I didn’t
want another c-section. This was the only moment in my labor that I felt fear;
fear that my control would be taken away as well as my dreams of a vaginal
birth. At this point I had to make some critical decisions. I had my birth plan,
that I prepared so diligently for, but also knew that sometimes you have to sacrifice
some of your wishes. I knew going into the birth that I wanted to go without an
epidural but also knew that the most important outcome was the VBAC, regardless
of how I achieved it. After discussing the options with Laurel and Brody we
decided that the best option at this point would be to get the epidural so I
could rest, seeing as the labor had been going for so long already and had a
long way to go. I felt confident in this decision and empowered knowing that
without that rest I would not be able to deliver vaginally. The epidural was amazing; I’m not going
to lie. It was what they call a “walking epidural” which means I could still
move my legs, and still feel each contraction, but it took the ease off just
enough that I could rest in comfort. It kicked in quickly and we were all able
to get some much-needed sleep.
While I was resting I kept using some of my hypnosis
techniques that I had practiced so diligently in preparation for this birth. Throughout
this pregnancy, I have always felt a closeness to my Dad. I had a distinct
feeling that this little baby was with my Dad, preparing to come down to meet
me. I also believed that this baby would teach me things, things that I “missed
out” on learning from my Dad since he was taken at such a young age. Everything my Dad didn’t get to teach
me, I would learn from this baby throughout the rest of my life. During this meditation, I was taken to
places that were meaningful to my Dad; places where special memories were made;
places that we went together; places that we both loved. It felt so real. I
felt an overwhelming feeling of peace and comfort during this time and when I
“woke up” again I knew that everything was going to work out for the best. I
felt confident and at ease.
Once we all woke up we
decided to do some natural things to help labor progress. I wanted to do all
that I could because I knew that the next cervix check would make the difference
between a c-section and a VBAC. They needed to see progress. We did more
pressure points, we applied clary sage and fennel essential oils to my belly,
and I even took out my breast pump and started pumping for some nipple
stimulation. After two hours the nurse came back in to check me and I was
thrilled to hear that I had progressed to a 4! The doctor came in to
tell me that even though I had passed my 24-hour point, they wouldn’t need to
intervene as long as it continued to progress on its own. This was a huge
blessing to me because some doctors would not be willing to let me do this. I
was so happy. I knew I still had a long way to go, but also was confident that
my body was able to do this.
By this point it was late morning and I decided that I
wanted to have my mom, mother-in-law, and my son come visit me. It was so nice
to have them come visit and encourage me. It was a welcomed relief from the
hard work that labor had been so far. Hours continued to pass, the nurses came
in to check me periodically and each time I was progressing, slowly but surely.
Finally, finally, finally, she told me that I was a ten and that soon I would
be able to start pushing. She told me that I had a small cervical lip that was
in the way but that with some gentle pushes and a little more time it might go
away. At this point I had everyone
except my birth team leave the room and I started to use my breath to gently
push past that cervical lip. The nurse came in after about an hour and said it
was completely gone. She told me that I could now push when I felt the urge to
push. It was wonderful that she respected my wishes and didn’t do any coached
pushing throughout the entire delivery. I asked her at this point to turn the
epidural off because I knew that my pushing time would diminish drastically if
I could feel more, and I wanted to be able to feel this part as insane as it
sounds.
Here comes the crazy part. I pushed, and I pushed hard, and hours were
passing. I was starting to get frustrated and exhausted. At this point I was
coming up on nearly 35 hours of labor and I didn’t know how much more I could
do. The epidural had worn off and all I could feel was pain. Yes I used the
pain word….I told myself that during this labor I would avoid that word, and
this is the only time I vocally said it, but it is what I felt. Pain. I started
to fall apart emotionally. I cried and begged the nurse to turn the epidural
back on. She did, but it didn’t work. I kept trying to turn it up with no
avail. I could still feel so much. I checked out for a while, deciding that I
had no energy left to push. I laid on my right side and felt as if I was going
in and out of consciousness. I
have no idea how much time passed while I was in this state. The next thing I
hear is the nurse coming in to tell me that the baby’s heart rate was not
recovering very well from the last three surges and that if it continued to do
this, the doctor would come out of the surgery that he was currently in, to
come and take me back for an emergency c-section. She said that now is the time
to do something if I wanted my vaginal birth and that she would help me get
there as long as I listened to her and did what she said. “When the doctor
arrives, he better see the head” she told me. This immediately snapped me out
of my daze and I knew what I needed to do. I turned to a new position on my
back, grabbed my legs while Brody and Laurel supported them, and started to
push with everything I had during each surge. The nurse encouraged me with each
surge without coaching me. Instantly the baby’s heart rate recovered and the
tension diminished. I continued to push though, seeing that time was not
working in my favor at this point. Laurel called for back up since she was so
physically exhausted and two more doulas arrived shortly. I had so much support
in that room, it was unbelievable.
Natalie, one of the back up doulas, hugged me and whispered some energy work to me helping me
get the courage to continue, while everyone else continued to encourage me in
other ways.
Although I was so physically, emotionally, and mentally
exhausted, an overwhelming feeling of power overcame me at this point. With each surge I pushed as hard as I
could. At the end of each surge I would scream. This wasn’t a scream of pain
(although I could feel just about everything) but rather a scream of control. I
was in control and this was going to happen the way I wanted it to. I am
embarrassed to think of what everyone was thinking outside the room, but I in
the moment I didn’t care. I was using every fiber in my being to give birth to
this baby. That is when they told me that they could see the head. I reached
down to feel it, as if I didn’t believe them, and there it was. I was close.
The nurse also informed me that the baby was posterior facing (which might
explain why I had been pushing for so long with not a lot of success).
Posterior facing babies are one of the leading causes of c-sections seeing as
it is much more difficult for the baby to pass through the birthing canal this
way. I didn’t let this discourage me. Each surge was getting more and more
effective and I could feel the baby moving down. Finally, the nurse had to run
and get the doctor because he wasn’t going to make it in time. When he came in
he was surprised to see how close I was and immediately get set for the birth.
I worked, I
yelled, I screamed, I grunted. I cried out to the baby, asking him to please
come now. I remember pleading with my Dad in my head, telling him that it was
time to let him come, that he needed to say goodbye, and that I would take such
good care of this baby. At this
moment, I very distinctly felt a hand on my shoulder. When I opened my eyes to
see who it was that was touching me, I was very surprised to see that it wasn’t
anybody from the room. I had always been a believer that God sends angles down
to help laboring women, but now I had a conviction that it was true; I felt my
Dad in the room with me. At this
moment, the final song of my birthing CD started to play. It was the instrumental
theme song from the Forest Gump sound track. It was one of my Dad’s favorite
songs, one that we listened to so many times together. Brody and I were
overcome with emotion and with one final push, the head was out, and without
much effort the rest of the baby followed. Tears of joy were on were on nearly
everyone’s’ faces as they placed the baby on my chest. Brody kissed me and
whispered to me that we should name him Forrest, which seemed so fitting after
the birth. His middle name would be Robert (after my father).
I did it. I had my VBAC. I gave birth to my son. With so many things that could have
worked against this (premature breaking of my water, slow dilation, cervical
lip, posterior facing baby, 38 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing,) I still did it.
I’m so grateful for all the supportive hands during my
labor. I couldn’t have done it without my amazing husband Brody, my wonderful
doula Laurel, as well as the back up doulas Natalie and Mary, and of course the
nurses and doctors who so graciously read and followed my birth plan, exercising
patience and care. Also, I cannot leave out all my supportive family members
and friends throughout the pregnancy and amazing birth. But also I need to recognize myself and
my own abilities. I am a strong person and I believed in myself throughout the
entire process. I never doubted my body’s capabilities and trusted myself. I
was never out of control, never helpless, never fearful. Instead I was in
control, informed and empowered.
Daddy holding Forrest
Cash Meeting his little brother for the very first time!
Two car seats!
My little Forrest
